Not Every Thing That Gets Left Out Is Bad
If you go to the movie being released February 12th, 2009, you won't find:
1. Weepy Teenage Girls. Sure, there may a couple of them in the movie somewhere, but at least they won’t be pining over the choice between their lost vampire love and their werewolf “best friend.” Maybe we should fast forward 10 years, where the same girl is $100,000 upside down on her mortgage, her kids keep getting sent home from school for biting their playmates in the neck, and Mr. “Oh So Stylish” vampire has a pot belly and no hairline. (I know, the vampires aren’t supposed to age at all, which means everyone will be looking at the formerly teenage weeper as if she is working on a new angle for Dateline NBC.)
2. Michael Landon. Before he was on a Highway to Heaven, or in a Little House on the Prairie, or enjoying his Bonanza, he had a euphemistic affliction that made his palms hairy. Unfortunately, every other part of him was hairy, which can get pretty angsty when you’re a teenager. (See #1 above.) Mr. Landon was unavailable for comment about not getting a cameo.
3. Stylish Goth Types. Lately, the Vampire-Werewolf Craze has made everyone look like they’re part of a casting call for a Smashing Pumpkins video. Even though the Benicio Del Toro film is a period piece, it is more of a Gothic Romance than a Goth Romance. (If you don’t know the difference, look up Wuthering Heights and compare it with cutting yourself just because your parents ignore your “pain.”)
4. Vampires. Sure enough, we’ve talked a bit about vampires in 1-3, but really, how many moody vampire movies do you need? It almost makes you wish for a happy vampire, as portrayed by Leslie Nielsen in “Dracula, Dead and Loving It.” Besides, there is no better on-screen vampire in history than Blacula as portrayed by the Shakesperian actor William Marshall. He was trapped in a coffin for 200 years, ended up in Los Angeles, and didn't skip a beat when it came to picking up girls and satiating his vampire thirst.
5. Product Placement (as far as we know). Unless Burton’s Buggy-Whips, Tom’s Silver Bullets, or the Organic Wolfsbane Collective have slipped some ads into the film, it’s pretty much gonna be plug-free. I once went on a studio tour where the guy driving the tour cart said that they don’t really get paid to put products in movies, they just make sure they have permission to use them in the shots. Either he was lying or was too deluded to be trusted driving tourists around the back lot in a modified golf cart.
Notes and Special Information
Special note: This site speaks not of one Wolfman film, but all Wolfmen (and she-wolves).